Thinking about Labels

Labels, Not Only Used On Products

I've been thinking about labels today. Not the labels you see in stores, not the ones you look at to determine the nutrient content of your food.  No, I'm talking about a different kind of label, the kind that gets used on people. 

People bear labels too.

We all have bore various labels in our lifetime.  Some, we probably didn't mind, some we probably hated, and some may not have brought about any emotional response at all, but just seemed like a statement of fact.  Some of the following labels might be familiar to you; smart, funny, pretty, ugly, fat, healthy, skinny, stupid, sickly, gifted, challenged, disabled, dyslexic, autistic, disturbed, talented, musical, creative... the list could go on of course.

Labels I've had.

I've had many labels in my lifetime.  I remember one teacher who labeled me slow, and requested that I be sent for testing, the testing gave me a new label of gifted. Kids labeled me as weird.  Psychiatrists labeled me as troubled. At least one school developmental psychiatrist thought I had some form of autism spectrum disorder, though further evaluation never happened, let alone any kind of treatment. 

Later in life I had a psychologist or psychiatrist label me with social anxiety, low self esteem, and, after more sessions, with PTSD.  

The label I didn't believe.

Most of the labels I've been given by "experts" I've pretty much accepted. When a person tells you you have social anxiety and you know that it is true, why argue the point?  Or when someone tells you that you might have some form of high functioning autism or Asperger's syndrome, and it makes sense to you because you've always felt different, its easy to accept.  And when a teacher says you're gifted, but that you learn differently than most, its so much better than being called stupid that you just accept what they say.

However, the PTSD label I didn't believe at the time it was given to me.  That is because in my mind I saw PTSD as a crazed soldier who still thinks he is the middle of battle years later, in spite of the fact that all around him is ample evidence that he is home.  That really was all I knew about PTSD, the most extreme example of a flashback, complete with a total loss of any grip on reality.  I'm pretty sure TV was to blame for my impression of it.  Anyway, since I'd never been to war, and didn't experience flashbacks of that magnitude, I really didn't give much credit to the idea that I might actually be suffering from it.

Realization

In recent years though I've become much more accepting of the idea that this doctor I saw years ago was right.  In fact I now feel that I know he was.

This realization, or acceptance came primarily through learning more about the disorder itself.  Perhaps this learning took place just because I'm older, or perhaps because recent wars have caused many to become more aware of  PTSD, or perhaps its both of those, plus undergoing quite a bit of healing myself, that I'm now able to look back and see clearly how I suffered from this condition in the past. 

That's not to say I am "all better" or no longer have it.  I'm pretty sure some elements of it will be with me all my life, but I've learned to cope with it better, part of that healing came through talking about the traumatic events I endured as a child and teen, part of that healing has been through learning how to not dwell on events I can't change, part of its been through forgiving those who wronged me, and a large part of it was the divine work of God, that I can't really explain.

I don't want to get into the trauma in this post, I will say that some of the worse events happened to me when I was very young, before first grade, and that I used to flash back to those events in a way. Not that I was unaware of my actual surroundings or believed the events to be happening again, but just that in my mind they would play out in vivid detail, and I would once again feel all shame, hurt, self-loathing, and defilement... just as if the things were happening in the present.  For the most part now, that doesn't happen, I mean it still can if I let it, but I've learned how to stop reliving it.  I've learned how to reconnect with the present and turn my thoughts towards things that are true now.

I'm not really sure why I am writing this today, except perhaps that I let my guard down today and started to relive all of those feelings again, and then I realized what was happening and put a stop to it. 

Living up to the labels

I realize that a lot of my past self destructive behavior was an attempt to at times numb these feelings, and at other times to make the way the way this made me feel about myself make sense.  What I mean by that is this, the trauma left me feeling defiled, unworthy, ashamed, and unloveable, and I see now that a lot of my past self-destructive behavior amounted to making those things "true" about me.  As if I was subconsciously saying, "Well, I feel defiled and unworthy, so I might as well deserve those feelings.  I feel ashamed, so I might as well do things worth being ashamed of, I feel unloveable, so I might as well push all love far away from me.

This resulted in a lot of behaviors over the years, in my teen years it was shown through drug and alcohol abuse and promiscuity, as a young adult through sabotaging relationships before they could really start, and later through being overly conservative, restrained, and traditional, almost to point of legalism, through most of my adult years I also sought to literally stuff my feelings down with food, and insulate myself through a layer of fat.

Getting past the labels.

So yes, many labels can describe me, but I am coming to understand that none of them should or can define me. There is so much more to me and to what God wants for me than what any label can define. 

Today's Stats

Weight: 279.6

Morning Blood Pressure: 164/103

Morning Heart Rate: 73 bpm

Exercise: Walked about 1.3 miles, 35 minutes.

The rest of stats won't be determined for a while, I'll be babysitting my grandkids until close to midnight, and I want to publish this before then, so won't be listing  my total calories and all that today.  However, I am tracking on MFP, and I will include all of the days stats in my weekly summary post.

All images and photos used  above in this post are free images courtesy of pixabay.com

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