Practicing Insanity
The definition of insanity
Most likely you have heard before that the definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing over and over, while thinking that this time, you'll get different results.
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Well, during the last two weeks I've started getting the feeling that hopping right back on the calorie counting wagon would be literally practicing insanity. I mean, I have tried it over and over again, and each time, eventually I burn out. I get tired of measuring, counting, logging, every single thing I eat. Sometimes I've managed to hold out over a year, other times a few months, and sometimes I've not even made it a week before giving up. So I really was not surprised at all when I started to lapse on my calorie log here and there, to "just have that now, and I'll log it later", only to find that in a short time I've had so many little somethings that I can't possibly remember everything in order to log it.
Sometimes, I would do the best I could to recreate the log after the fact, other times I would fall into my "all or nothing" mindset and figure since I'd blown it I might as well eat all I wanted and restart tomorrow.
Now, don't get me wrong, the past two weeks haven't been disastrous, diet-wise. I've actually done pretty well, there was a slight rebound of weight before I even started to struggle, and after that it basically leveled off. That is normal when someone loses a whole bunch in the first couple of weeks of a diet, the weight often rebounds back a few pounds in week two, three, or four. Today I weighed in at 271, which is 2.8 pounds less than I was two weeks ago, the last time I reported my weight. It also puts me 20 pounds less than my highest weight, and over 15 pounds lost in 2018. However, even though I haven't done too badly, I see myself heading in that direction with my behaviors and mindset, and it concerns me.
This has made me think that surely, there must be a better approach, some way to learn to just eat normally. A way that if I have a large lunch one day, I can still eat a normal dinner if I'm hungry again later without feeling like I've blown it.
All of this got me to thinking, I need a program that teaches me how to eat normally, but that doesn't expect me to already know how. I know I'm a compulsive over eater, who eats for all kinds of reasons besides physical hunger. Trying to just eat healthier, or just to stop when I'm satisfied, doesn't work for me right now. I want to learn how, but I can't go from completely disordered eating to intuitive healthy eating in one giant leap, I need structured steps to get me there.Sometimes, I would do the best I could to recreate the log after the fact, other times I would fall into my "all or nothing" mindset and figure since I'd blown it I might as well eat all I wanted and restart tomorrow.
Now, don't get me wrong, the past two weeks haven't been disastrous, diet-wise. I've actually done pretty well, there was a slight rebound of weight before I even started to struggle, and after that it basically leveled off. That is normal when someone loses a whole bunch in the first couple of weeks of a diet, the weight often rebounds back a few pounds in week two, three, or four. Today I weighed in at 271, which is 2.8 pounds less than I was two weeks ago, the last time I reported my weight. It also puts me 20 pounds less than my highest weight, and over 15 pounds lost in 2018. However, even though I haven't done too badly, I see myself heading in that direction with my behaviors and mindset, and it concerns me.
Obsessing over food
In addition to struggling to count and log, I also notice that if I have a day when I perhaps eat more than I usually do at lunch, I spend the rest of my day obsessing. Worrying that I'll go over or that I'll spend the evening hungry and not allowed to eat anything. All of this obsessing does me no good, if anything obsessively thinking about food just makes me want to EAT ALL THE FOOD!
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Previous reaches for sanity
Of course this isn't the first time I've tried to find a more natural, normal, sane way of eating. I've tried Weigh Down Workshop, a program that teaches you to listen to your body, and never to eat even one bite if you aren't feeling clear signals of physical hunger coming from your body, and to stop eating the moment your body is satisfied enough to stop sending those signals. That program worked somewhat, but didn't allow for any kind of tracking and even discourages you from refraining to eat something you want because its high in fat or sugar. The attitude is very much that if you are physically hungry, you should always satisfy that hunger with whatever you are craving and not really give any thought to the nutrient content of the food. That program was also a little inflexible about ever eating when you are not hungry, and there are times when you need to. For example, if you start work at 8:00 in the morning, and don't get a chance for lunch break until 1:00, and you know you are going to be ravenous by 1:00, I think its acceptable to eat breakfast before work, even if your stomach is not growling with hunger. There were other things about that program that were of concern to me, but suffice it to say it just wasn't a great fit for me.
I've also tried go the route of reducing carbs, but being allowed to eat whenever I wanted as long as it wasn't high in carbohydrates, this worked pretty good for a while, but eventually I craved carbohydrates, I wanted to eat a darn orange or a peace of bread!
I also tried veganism, I didn't lose any weight. There are lots of fattening vegan foods, even Twinkies are vegan.
I've tried to out-exercise my appetite, that actually worked as long as I could carve out 1 1/2 to 2 hours for intense exercise every single day, but how sustainable is that plan? Not sustainable at all really.
In addition to these, I've tried South Beach diet (most successful diet I was ever on, but I didn't sustain the loss on that one either), and Medifast, the diet that made me want someone to shoot me so I wouldn't have to eat another freeze dried "meal".
What I need
So I started researching for some plan that provided those steps, with enough structure so that I might actually lose weight.
As I researched, I told myself that whatever I found had to be something I could keep doing all my life if I wanted the weight loss to be permanent, I decided that I shouldn't do anything to lose the weight that I can't feasibly see myself keeping up for the rest of life.
What I found
What I found was Weight Watchers. There is enough structure in the points system to keep me from sitting down and eating half a pizza, but enough freedom to go ahead and have a couple of slices once in a while.
There are enough zero point foods, that if I do eat a little more at one meal, I can still have something to eat later, so I don't have to obsess over not being able to have dinner, and I really have no justification in thinking I might as well just give up and start again tomorrow. I can just finish out the day on zero point foods, such as skinless chicken breast, any vegetables I want, and some fruit, and the next day my points renew again. I also have a bank of "weekly" points that are optional, to be used if need them. So really, I should never really have to feel like I've messed up so bad I might as well throw in the towel.
However, these zero points foods are not really "free foods", we are encouraged to be mindful of how much we are consuming, and to stop and check our hunger signals every now and then. To ask ourselves, "Do I need more, or do I just want it because I can have it?" The theory is that no one is going to sit and eat 18 oz of chicken breast, it is so filling, that even a compulsive over eater will probably turn away. The same goes for the other zero point foods, they are "low risk" foods, not what people tend to binge on. Even if a person was to sit down and eat 18 oz of baked chicken breast, they are going to feel so full with all that protein, that it isn't likely they'll turn and eat something else afterward, and that 18 oz of chicken is 504 calories, not a lot when you think of how long you'd be full afterward.
The "higher risk" foods all have point values that need to be tracked and counted, but if you go a little over you have a bank of optional points to draw from.
The focus is all about mindset thinking about food differently, but with enough structure given to act as "training wheels" while you are learning. It gives enough freedom to actually learn, but not enough to easily crash. Basically, it gives you the support and helping hand you need to make it.
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I'm pretty sure its just what I need. So a couple of days ago I signed up, and tonight was my first meeting.
Not just about food though
I know I have a lot of work to do to learn how to eat normally. I know I'll need to really deal with the emotional reasons I eat. I may need to seek treatment for my PTSD. I know that being sexually abused by one person before I was old enough to go to kindergarten, and then continually abused for many years thereafter by another, and finally being raped at 14 by another has a lot to do with why I developed this unhealthy coping mechanism. The experience having a flashback to being that preschool child begging to be allowed to get dressed, of feeling all those same feelings... that is quite often the thing that precipitates an eating binge. I'll eat and eat until I'm numb and the feelings are deadened. I know that I'll need to deal with all of this if I want to really succeed, but I think that Weight Watchers is going to help me on the physical side while I am healing on the mental, emotional, and spiritual level,***************************************
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